I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
organizing the empties. That sober.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
