If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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