i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!