then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .