sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
