I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
