My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Ketchup is God's man juice
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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