Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
