Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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