i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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