It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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