Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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