So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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