Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
