Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
