Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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