It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
