1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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