I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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