Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
