i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
