Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Could a canary swim?

(952): View more from Minnesota

Last time I ever let you pet sit.

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(651): Could a canary swim? (952): Last time I ever let you pet sit. http://tfl.nu/tcs0

Replies (10) Good night (687) Bad night (3203)
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(480): View more from Arizona

This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.

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(480): This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner. http://tfl.nu/bzec

Replies (9) Good night (3975) Bad night (809)
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(813): View more from Florida

Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book

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(813): Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book http://tfl.nu/eyxq

Replies (12) Good night (2791) Bad night (663)
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...

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(405): well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth... http://tfl.nu/pzm2

Replies (11) Good night (2758) Bad night (1065)
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(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

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(256): Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk http://tfl.nu/ail4

Replies (33) Good night (4340) Bad night (1282)
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(305): View more from Florida

If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.

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(305): If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls. http://tfl.nu/m95d

Replies (8) Good night (5769) Bad night (1088)
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(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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(727): Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago. http://tfl.nu/0eob

Replies (16) Good night (4429) Bad night (1146)
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(202): I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery. (202): That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics. http://tfl.nu/1mv0

Replies (28) Good night (2972) Bad night (1079)
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.

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(+44): Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull. http://tfl.nu/b17w

Replies (4) Good night (705) Bad night (339)
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(248): View more from Michigan

For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.

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(248): For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance. http://tfl.nu/b72j

Replies (5) Good night (768) Bad night (523)
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(928): View more from Arizona

It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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(928): It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams". http://tfl.nu/l9ee

Replies (6) Good night (506) Bad night (892)
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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(660): hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv? (816): yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward http://tfl.nu/dn5c

Replies (12) Good night (1368) Bad night (352)
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.

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(814): I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount. http://tfl.nu/e0cf

Replies (5) Good night (993) Bad night (233)
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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

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(908): I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country. http://tfl.nu/dr7f

Replies (2) Good night (827) Bad night (204)
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(973): View more from New Jersey

THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.

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(973): THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK. http://tfl.nu/ffuw

Replies (2) Good night (907) Bad night (232)

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