Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
