Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
