is your mom at the bar?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
