You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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