I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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