I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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