He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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