So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
