tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
