Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
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