I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
