I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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