he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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