She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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