Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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