that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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