Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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