I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
