I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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