How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
