I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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