I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
