the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
