She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
