She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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