I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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