You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
