I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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