This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
