I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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