being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
