rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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