I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
