i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
