Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
