i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
